Learning to Say No: Six Methods You Can Use

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March 04, 2021 - Gini Beqiri

Many people struggle to say no to friends or at work when they are given additional tasks because we like to please and be seen as capable. But if you have too many demands and no more capacity available you should say no.

Try not to feel guilty because it means that someone else can dedicate the right amount of time and attention to the task. Assertiveness can be used in a variety of ways to confidently and reasonably say "no".

The effects of not saying "no"

• If you always agree to tasks when you actually want to decline then you're likely to feel angry towards the other person even though they haven't done anything wrong.
• You may become gradually more frustrated with yourself.
• By taking on more demands than you can cope with you become overwhelmed and very stressed.
• This can all lead to experiencing depression and/or anxiety.

Unhelpful beliefs prevent you from saying "no"

As you grow up your experiences teach you that you can't always decline requests. You may end up with unhelpful beliefs about saying "no" which increase the difficulty of you saying it. For example, you may think that saying "no":

• Is rude and hostile
• Is against my belief of always trying to please everyone
• Will upset others
• Is nasty and selfish
• Will cause them to dislike me

Helpful beliefs

Consider these beliefs if you've noticed you experience any unhelpful ones holding you back from declining requests:

• By saying "no" I'm declining the request and not rejecting the person.
• When I say "yes" to one thing, I'm actually saying "no" to something else.
• I have the right to share my opinions even if they differ from others'.
• The other person is unlikely to take it badly and they'll most likely understand.
• If people have the right to request, I have the right to decline.

Six ways of saying "No"

The psychologist Trevor Powell describes six ways of saying no - you choose which one to use depending on the situation:

1. The direct "no"

When you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do or you can’t do you just say "no" e.g. "I can’t do that." The aim is to say "no" without feeling that you have to apologize. It’s the other person’s responsibility so don’t feel like you have to take responsibility for it.

2. The reflecting "no"

This is when you acknowledge the content and sentiments of the request and then assertively refuse at the end.

• "I understand that you want me to be there but I can’t attend."

3, The reasoned "no"

This is where you provide a brief but honest reason for your answer.

• "I can’t attend the meeting because I have lots of deadlines this week so I have no time."

4. The raincheck "no"

This is not an absolute "no" - it’s a way of saying no to the request currently but means you can say yes in the future. You should only use this if you want to genuinely meet the request.

• "I don’t have time today but I could make sometime next week."

5. The enquiring "no"

This is again not an absolute "no". In this technique you open up the request to see if there is an alternative.

• "My schedule is full for today, maybe there’s someone else in the team that could help?"

6. The broken record "no"

If the person initially does not accept your "No", then keep repeating yourself. It can be used in a wide range of situations and it is especially useful for persistent requests.

• Requester: "Could you please take my place in the meeting today?"
• You: "Unfortunately I can’t attend the meeting because I’ve got lots of work to get through today, perhaps there’s someone else you can ask."
• Requester: "I’ve asked a few people already, maybe you could just go for the first half an hour?"
• You: "I know that it’s important but I won’t be able to go this time as I really need to finish this work today and I don’t have any spare time."
• Requester: "Not even for 15 minutes?"
• You: "I need all my time to focus on this work."

Remember that you have the right to voice your opinions and if you really struggle to say "no" it’s likely that you’re overestimating the difficulty the other person will have in accepting your refusal.